*The game. They say a person either has what it takes to play... or they don't.*
*If I hadn't taken the Hippocratic Oath, I would Kevorkian her with my bare hands!* -- Meredith on 'pain in the ass' patient Katie Bryce
*I can't think of any one reason why I'd want to be a surgeon. But I can think of a thousand reasons why I should quit. They make it hard on purpose. There are lives in our hands. There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit, but here's the thing... I love the playing field.
*It's all about lines. The finish line at the end of residency. Waiting in line for a chance at the operating table. And then, there's the most important line, the line separating you from the people you work with. It doesn't help to get too familiar. To make friends. You need boundaries between you and the rest of the world. Other people are far too messy. It's all about lines. Drawing lines in the sand, and praying like hell no one crosses them.*
*At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines, or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way to dangerous to cross. Here's what I know; If you're willing to take the chance... the view from the other side is spectacular.*
*We live out our lives on the surgical unit, seven days a week, fourteen hours a day. We're together more than we're apart. After awhile, the ways of residency become the ways of life. Number One; Always keep score. Number Two; Do whatever you can to outsmart the other guy. Number three; Don't make friends with the enemy.*
*There's another way to survive this competition. A way no one else ever seems to tell you about. One you have to learn for yourself. Number Five; it's not about the race, at all. There are no winners or losers. Victories are counted by the number of lives saved. And once in a while... if you're smart, the life you save could be your own.*
*Intimacy is a four syllable word for; 'Here are my heart and soul. Please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy.' It's both desired and feared, difficult to live with and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to life's three R's; relatives, romance and roomates. There are some things you can't escape, and other things you just don't want to know.*
*I wish there were a rule book for intimacy. Some kind of guide that can tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nic if you could see it coming. And I don't know how you'd find it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.*
*Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was like, if you'd get a bike for your birthday, or if you'd get to eat cookies for breakfast? Being an adult - totally overrated! I mean, seriously, don't be fooled by all of the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility - it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent... Kind of makes bikes and cookies look really, really good doesn't it?*
*Unfortunately once you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn't go away. It can't be avoided. Either someone makes us face it, or we suffer the consequences. And still, adulthood has its perks. I mean, the shoes, the sex, the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. That's pretty damn good.*
*A couple hundred years ago, Benjamin Frankly shared with the world the secret of his success; 'Never leave that til tomorrow,' he said, 'which you can do today.' This is the man who discovered electricity, you'd think more of us would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess I'd say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of rejection. Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?*
*'The early bird catches the worm.' 'A stitch in time saves nine.' 'He who hesitates is lost.' We can't pretend we haven't be told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we haveto see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering. That waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure... even the worst, most intractible mistake, beats the hell out of never trying.*
*OK, anyone who says you can sleep when you die, tell them to come talk to me after a few months as an intern. Of course, it's not just the job that keeps us up all night. I mean, if life's so hard already, why do we bring more trouble down on ourselves? What's up with the need to hit the self destruct button?*
*Maybe we like pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know... maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? 'Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?' Because it feels so good when I stop.*
*You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be - white dress, prince charming who'd carry you away to a castle on a hill. You'd lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming... They were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grew up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and the people they can trust. But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely, cause almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, thatone day they'll open their eyes... and it will all come true.*
*At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well... it may not be a castle. And it's not so important that's it's happy ever after... just that it's 'happy right now.' See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while people may even take your breath away.*
*Secrets can't hide in science. Medicine has a way of exposing the lies. Within the walls of the hospital, the truth is stripped bare. How we keep our secrets outside the hospital, well... that's a bit different. One thing is certain, whatever it is we're trying to hide, we're never ready for that moment when the truth gets naked. That's the problem with secrets - like misery, they love company. They pile up and up until they take over everything. Until you don't have room for anything else. Until you're so full of secrets you feel like you're going to burst.
*The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free. Rather good or bad, at least they're out in the open, like it or not. And once your secrets are out in the open you don't have to hide behind them anymore. The problem with secrets is - even when you think you're in control... you're not.*
